Journal

31 July, 2017

I've begun working with a new therapist. I've been surprised at how well I've been able to connect with her. Her name is Marlene Winell and she specializes in Religious Trauma Syndrome. My wife found out about Dr. Winell and recommended her to me. Even though I've only visited with her twice, the experience so far has been very rewarding.

Connecting with Dr. Winell has been easier and less stressful than any therapist I've worked with before. Our conversations have focused on more concrete details and concepts than in sessions with other therapists. I'm finding that I greatly prefer her approach. I've done enough navel gazing for now.

The biggest revelation so far has been a better understanding of why I've been feeling so resigned and powerless. When I left the Mormon church, I felt and experienced an immense amount of relief at letting go of so much guilt and defeatism. My emotions ran the spectrum from elation to fear, but I always felt as if I'd broken free from the daily pressure and influence of the church.

What I'd failed to realize, however, is that while I left the church, I hadn't left behind my dependence on the structure it provided me. I feel powerless trying to live my own life because I never needed to make those choices. I feel lost because I depended on the church for meaning and purpose. The church carved a path for me through life and my only job was to never stray. Twenty years of obedience later and I left that path, without an ounce of experience in forging a path on my own.

Of course, the idea that I don't know how to live my life is also a lie. The truth is, I feel guilty giving myself credit. Or allowing myself to celebrate my accomplishments. Because, as the church taught, life is to be endured until the very end. By its very nature life is a struggle we cannot know whether or not we've won until after our death.

This is the conditioning I need to break.